So over the past weekend
I have finally watched Frozen and boy was I not expecting any of this.
This
dark modern Disney classic starts with displaying right off the bet its cruel
main theme – the criminal neglect of children and its horrible consequences.
After the group of hunky
ice miners leave the random kid behind to get lost in the woods without even so
much as a dismissing glance we move to Anna and Elsa's room, where we first
learn of Anna's incredible reality altering powers and the ability to manifest
movie-advancing-yet-useless-plot-wise elements – from basic molecular changes
like hair color to more advanced techniques such as mind manipulation and space
distortion.
The girls are having an all around
good and extremely dangerous fun when the most unexpected thing happens -
The king then proclaims
he possesses the knowledge of how to give his now crippled daughter the idea
she is not a lesser human being for her mismatched hair and the jolly family
leaves on a life-changing quest.
This is also the first
time we learn that not a single member of the royal family gives a single fuck
about Arendelle and run away from their responsibilities as often as possible.
On their way to wherever
Anna's powers act up and attract to themselves the innocent child from the
film's opening sequence, who is still lost alone in the woods.
The elder troll then
channels Anna's powers to alter her memory for no reason whatsoever – what
would Anna forgetting about Elsa's power accomplish besides taking away her
parents' responsibility of teaching her the meaning of "No stop you
fucking idiot"?
It's obvious it doesn't
work because she continues endangering herself at any given chance
and nobody gives a fuck.
At this point Anna's PLOT powers must have sensed that nobody has character
traits yet, so they manifested themselves by telling Elsa to have character
traits.
So three years have passed during which their parents had the unfortunate luck of being Disney parents and thus they have come to an early demise. Anyway, back to Anna's amazingballs powers and her sister's much less important coronation ceremony, both of which are equal candidates for being the driving force behind the arrival of the rest of the cast at Arendelle.
So three years have passed during which their parents had the unfortunate luck of being Disney parents and thus they have come to an early demise. Anyway, back to Anna's amazingballs powers and her sister's much less important coronation ceremony, both of which are equal candidates for being the driving force behind the arrival of the rest of the cast at Arendelle.
Meanwhile at the castle, princess Anna awakes to act totally not like the other princesses that preceded her.
And by that I mean she is interested in nothing BUT finding her true love.
Obviously what everybody
in the palace found to be a proper way of dealing with a shut-in child possessing supernatural abilities is to just let her run around. It worked so well the last time, what could possibly go wrong?
So yes, we are
introduced to prince Hunk of the southern isles who was summoned forth by
Anna's amazing PLOT powers and what a HUNK and sensible human being. Favorite
character right off the bat. I mean LOOK AT HIM!
Well whatever it's coronation time!
PRINCE HUNK IS BACK! ALL IS FORGIVEN! BLESS THE LORD!
So after Anna and Hunk bond over their mutual childhood abuse they get engaged, and in no less than a single musical number! That's True Love™ if I ever saw one.
Elsa on the other hand never did and she freaks out at the sight of it and runs away.
Following in both her
sister's and her parents' footsteps Anna decides to leave the kingdom (because fuck Arendelle is why) in prince
Hunk's hands, which is, although spontaneous, is the best decision ever – getting
engaged to a hunky stranger and leaving all your earthly possessions in his
charge is truly a sigh of a woman with her own agency. She climbs her horse and leaves in pursuit of her sister.
Doesn't her horse looked kinda familiar tho...?
~TO BE CONTINUED IN PART 2~
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